old depressing poetry

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figured I'd post some an old poem I wrote in 2005.
I'm in that kind of mood tonight.

~Existence~



Part One: Restless

Restless as the face of the clock reads 2 then 3 then 4 am
I stare at a blank screen as the incessant blinking on the cursor laughs in my face
Seeming to curse me to a sleepless night
Sleep comes slowly as it seems to tease me before the disturbing silence engulfs me
The scream of the alarm comes all too soon
Piercing through my dream world like a dagger against my chest
My bloodshot eyes open to disappointment
My mind churns sluggishly of the perfect world in my dreams
How I long to return to it
Reality holds too few comforts to compare with my blissful fantasy
Why must this dark world bring pain?
I trudge through my day with a disappointing amount of happy moments
At least they are there at all
I return to my solace and indulge in the music that reflects my feelings
I loath the night and darkness it brings
And the cycle begins again
Escape is far from my grasp


Part Two: a reason

Life is still worth living
But motivation I lack
The friends I love and my God are my life
Without them I would have little existence
A zombie in the world run by man
The four walls of my life would crush me without the strength they give
My life meaningless without them
Without them nothing
Without them death
Silence
Pain
I have them
I have life
I have a reason


a dying ember

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I inhale as smoke fills my lungs
giving me a temporary fleeting peace
another night awake
I flick the cigarette and watch as the dying ember fades in the blackness
rain soaked and restless I sit
thoughts idly running through my mind
a happy façade covers the surface
as a raging torrent storms beneath
perhaps a battle for my sanity
my peace
the peace that never comes
glimpses of which tease my fragile mind
making me wonder if it’s even attainable again
thinking back I struggle to remember the times of meaning
when life seemed to make some sort of sense
now all I find is emptiness
where has hope gone?
why has it run from me
or have I pushed it away?
the only hope I find is wanting to be back
hoping that maybe, just maybe that might help
always with the dark corner in my mind telling me it wont
that I’ll just wander searching for eternity
searching for peace and life and hope
all of which have abandoned me
like an unwanted child screaming in the dark that no one hears
I know people care
it’s the only reason I care at all
so as not to make them hurt
not to make them feel what I feel
the only reason I keep going
the idle thoughts turn to a world where no one cares
leading to a train of thought I’d rather not continue
but it continues none the less
I awknolege it and let it fade
like the ember that slowly died in the night
I wonder if I will fade like that burning thing
slowly wasting away till nothing is left
nothing but a memory


sick and tired of being sick and tired

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DISCLAIMER: this blog is very personal and contains a bit of language. it's 3 am so keep that in mind if you feel like it. anyone that takes this stuff too seriously or is offended by the "F" word should stop reading now and just go look at some of my depressing art. thanks.

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what the hell am I even doing here. I want to be home and happy and have my own apartment and a beautiful girlfriend that loves me. Somehow I feel like if I can just be home everything will get better, but I know life isn't that simple and it's one fucked up thing after another. if it's not my depression and not being able to sleep at night it's my fucking issues and fear of expressing them to anyone least someone know how screwed up I really am. Two more months though till I'm done with this internship. were I feel like a failure and a fuckup daily. working from 9 am to 11pm but not even working well. just being a fuckup and messing things up. why can't shit just be simple. just live and be happy but no, life has to come along and say "oh no what the fuck? a happy person. we'll just see about that" and throw some shit at you. Then there's the fact that everytime I rant like this people are like "it's ok micah life is still worth living, you don't want to hurt yourself" fuck that. I'm not suisidal I'm just not incredibly happy. which is sadly pretty normal. I just have other problems that I don't talk about or address other than just lack of joy that I feel like if people only knew then they'd either run away or try to fix me. maybe I need fixing, maybe I'm just broken and shattered on the floor. maybe I don't want to be mended. I'll just find joy in stupid things and be a depressed little fuck up for the rest of my life. never really amounting to anything but at least when I die people will remember me every once in a while and be like "aw micah was nice" just the fucking, finish last nice guy. I'm tired. rant over.


...I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt...

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broken wings...

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triple shot grande late LAMF...

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pfffffffffffffbttt...

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oooold pic that I found in my life journal. figured it was pretty neat so I posted it:


description is on the pic so...:


and the piece de resistance:

I still need to ink this one and color it, might paint it. I dunno. k I'm hella tired because I just put in a 9 hour shift at walmart starting at 7am so yeah. pffbttt.


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