figured I'd post some an old poem I wrote in 2005.
I'm in that kind of mood tonight.

~Existence~



Part One: Restless

Restless as the face of the clock reads 2 then 3 then 4 am
I stare at a blank screen as the incessant blinking on the cursor laughs in my face
Seeming to curse me to a sleepless night
Sleep comes slowly as it seems to tease me before the disturbing silence engulfs me
The scream of the alarm comes all too soon
Piercing through my dream world like a dagger against my chest
My bloodshot eyes open to disappointment
My mind churns sluggishly of the perfect world in my dreams
How I long to return to it
Reality holds too few comforts to compare with my blissful fantasy
Why must this dark world bring pain?
I trudge through my day with a disappointing amount of happy moments
At least they are there at all
I return to my solace and indulge in the music that reflects my feelings
I loath the night and darkness it brings
And the cycle begins again
Escape is far from my grasp


Part Two: a reason

Life is still worth living
But motivation I lack
The friends I love and my God are my life
Without them I would have little existence
A zombie in the world run by man
The four walls of my life would crush me without the strength they give
My life meaningless without them
Without them nothing
Without them death
Silence
Pain
I have them
I have life
I have a reason

I inhale as smoke fills my lungs
giving me a temporary fleeting peace
another night awake
I flick the cigarette and watch as the dying ember fades in the blackness
rain soaked and restless I sit
thoughts idly running through my mind
a happy façade covers the surface
as a raging torrent storms beneath
perhaps a battle for my sanity
my peace
the peace that never comes
glimpses of which tease my fragile mind
making me wonder if it’s even attainable again
thinking back I struggle to remember the times of meaning
when life seemed to make some sort of sense
now all I find is emptiness
where has hope gone?
why has it run from me
or have I pushed it away?
the only hope I find is wanting to be back
hoping that maybe, just maybe that might help
always with the dark corner in my mind telling me it wont
that I’ll just wander searching for eternity
searching for peace and life and hope
all of which have abandoned me
like an unwanted child screaming in the dark that no one hears
I know people care
it’s the only reason I care at all
so as not to make them hurt
not to make them feel what I feel
the only reason I keep going
the idle thoughts turn to a world where no one cares
leading to a train of thought I’d rather not continue
but it continues none the less
I awknolege it and let it fade
like the ember that slowly died in the night
I wonder if I will fade like that burning thing
slowly wasting away till nothing is left
nothing but a memory